Don't read any further unless you want to read a ridiculously long rant that makes no sense..

In case you didn't read the title, this is a ridiculously long rant that I feel like I need to type and feel like this is the place to do it. I trust you guys with everything in me right now, and no one else, really. So, you don't have to read this, but if you do, I'm sorry in advance if you want to throw me into a wall afterwards.

I feel like my mind is slowly turning on me. Telling me things that I should know are not true,

yet telling them in a way that really convinces me that they are. In case you haven't already noticed,

I'm a pretty awkward, odd kid. I like to stay quiet in times where everyone is talking, yet speak at

The worst times. I hate it, to be honest. I talk way to much.. I am the shriveled sweater in the back of the closet no one wants to wear. This is what my mind tells me. Those of you who new me last year probably have noticed a severe change in me. Last year I was happy, and nothing could shake me. Well, around the middle of this year, my wall was cracked. I began to fall to pieces, and there are times when I can rarely put a smile on my face, let alone keep it there. I have changed. Too much for my own good, and I feel like at any moment my ribs will cave in on me and my lungs will stop taking in oxygen. My skull will crash onto my brain, and all my secrets and hidden thoughts will be revealed. When Ian was talking about the Japanese secret thing, that night I dug a hole in the ground and spent hours whispering basically my whole life into a hole like it was my friend. My whole life revolves around secrets. They hurt. Secrets kill and steal and lie and cheat and rip your soul to shreds. I told my secrets to the hole and covered them up. The guilt is still with me. I think it was the fact that I was stupid enough to sit outside in the dark for hours talking to an inanimate hole in the ground that doesn't give a crap what I think about when I lie in bed at night. I felt like an idiot. There are times in my life when that's all I do, is feel like an idiot. I've become so socially awkward I have lost sight of what's acceptable and what's not. For instance, this post is probably just a waste of Blogspace. But I need to clear my mind so maybe I can get some sleep tonight.

Confidence and me don't get along. Some of you may have seen this in the chat on FB when I was talking about how I wasn't pretty. Which I still believe I'm not, but I thank you for all your efforts. I've struggled with confidence for years, and I just have no confidence in myself except for when I'm on stage. That is my ONE exception. Confidence, to me, sits in the back of my mind on a bench and laughs at me as I fall. Then sticks his grubby little foot out to trip me again when I get back up. Hope that I will one day be confident in anything about myself flew out the window years ago. I also put myself down a lot as part of this..One of the main reasons I've lost confidence in beauty is the ugly scars all over my body. They laugh at me and blame me for everything. My appearence and lack of beauty is based on my own damn fault, and I have to accept it, I guess, but it's hard.

Trust is another big one... it takes a lot for me to trust someone fully and understand why they are here, talking to me, when they could be talking with the pretty girl across the room. Paranoia runs deep in my core, and I'm constantly always thinking that you are trying to hurt me or something, use something I say against me. Laugh at me...God forbid, fight with me.. Everyone starts out in my head as 70% trustworthy, I'd say. Then it goes up and down from there. I have been hurt by people that were up in the 90's before, so you can see why trust is an issue. I love you all and trust you all, and I know you will never hurt me, it's just that sometimes my mind likes..well, loves, to play tricks on me.

If I seem like a downer all the time, I apologize to all of you, because I even gross myself out with all the negativity radiating off of me.. This is why I try to keep myself off the tangent train...because all the precious positive energy around me screams at me and is beautiful to see and feel and hear..then of course I always ruin it with my stupid mouth and mind.

I apologize for negativity. I've been trying to work on it. Also, clinginess is another thing.. But I'm working on bettering myself and leaving all my past in the hole. Which is hard to do, simply because I have a good fourteen years to leave behind. My mind is a scary place, and to be honest, I'd rather be laughing right now eating a taco and singing love songs than writing this stupid thing down, but if I don't get it all out somehow, I will never be able to sleep. :/

I love you guys with all my heart, and if I ever come across as mean, sarcastic, too joking, odd, awkward, or just plain not normal...please just accept my apology now. You guys are my life, and I love you. Acting is my passion, and working with all of you has been a dream come true so far.

It's just that some things have to be let go. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm letting go of my brother, my mother, my sister, my father and Emma, the family who forgot about me months ago. The blade, the straightner, and the glass, who I thought were my friends but did so betray me. Lizy, Stephanie, Sam, Sally, Tyler, all the people that broke my heart. Tyler again for causing me physical and emotional damage... Kalee for doing the same. The pieces of my heart I will never get back, the song in my soul that is now out of tune. I'm letting it all go. The hope for change is gone, but maybe...just maybe..there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Acting is my passion, and so are all of you. Thank you, in advance, for loving me back. <3

Opeckah Shlalom,

Taylor Danielle